I’m not sure at what point Haute Couture collections stopped being exciting, but it’s been quite some time since they felt truly luxurious. Save for Givenchy, Giambatista Vali, Valentino, and an occasional Chanel season, Haute Couture has been looking like a cheap old mess. Even if I was gloriously rich, I couldn’t imagine myself wanting to spend five digits on most of the looks that strutted down the Fall 2013 runways. 

Legendary Naomi may have opened Atelier Versace’s runway, but she still looked like a common dominatrix in a size too small of a dress. While Gianni Versace was a master of high-end vulgarity, Donatella is only interested in the tight realm between cheap and super cheap. 

I have high hopes for Raf Simons — and I’m sure this is just a blip — because he is definitely amongst my favourite designers in the business. While his previous two Christian Dior Couture collections were pretty magnificent, this one is a confused mess, with too many ideas floating around with nothing to do. One of them is a sheer curtain wore over a pair of high waisted panties, with tits on display. (Not that I have anything against nudity, but this is Haute Couture — I expect a complete garment for my money.)

Somewhere in an alternate universe, Zuhair Murad has a very illustrious career as an ice skating costume designer. Sadly, this is not our universe. We get gowns that look like pantyhose, and pantyhose that look like expensive pantyhose. 

Alexandre Vauthier made his Haute Couture debut, and it’s not looking promising. Here’s yet another designer for the underclothed Balmain lovers who seemingly wear leather to bed. Anthony Vaccarello will be pissed when he realizes he could have charged Couture prices for his signature poking-hipbone slit dress. 

Yes, Margiela is always about the concept, but usually that looks better than a pair of crappy looking jeans paired with a crystal masked top (which I’m sure is gorgeous in person, if it had a stronger point of existence). As a huge Margiela apologist, I can’t even get behind this one.

PS. Can we all just forgive Galliano already?